The Ghosts of NYFW

Last year, in 2019, I was selected as one of 26 women with metastatic breast cancer to walk the runway at New York Fashion Week for AnaOno and Metavivor. It was one of the most incredible, mind-boggling experiences of my life, an experience it has taken me a year to process. Last year, I had …

Beyond Awareness: Komen Westchester Metastatic Conference Keynote Address 2019

In November, I was honored to be the keynote speaker at Komen Westchester's Inaugural Metastatic Conference. The best of my speech is below, and the video of it can be seen here. The poet Anya Krugovoy Silver, who died in 2018 from metastatic breast cancer, wrote, in her poem Stage IV:  Suddenly, gloved hands empty …

The Blur of Illness

My days seem to go by in a strange blur these days. Often, I find myself not knowing what day of the week, or the month, it is. This isn't a cognitive defect, but the artificial ebb and flow created by ongoing illness, driven by medication schedules, changing treatment plans, symptoms, side effects, sleeping at …

2019: A Lengthy Recap

I don't have anything particularly wise or insightful to reflect on 2019. It was a year of waves irrepressibly pummeling our family - bad news following bad news. A year of absence, being torn from my life over and over, captive to the ever-changing treatments and side effects, each one worse than the last. And …

No News Isn’t Good News

Well, well, well. Look who's scraping away the cobwebs over here. Unfortunately, the title of this post probably gives away my essential update - so, no, I haven't been absent due to scan results so stupendous that I had no choice but to buy tickets to Europe and galavant my way across the continent, celebrating …

In Memoriam

"How can the dead be truly dead when they still live in the souls of those who are left behind?" —Carson McCullers, The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter It has been a hard week. It has been a hard week for me. It has been a hard week in Cancerland. Every single morning, I woke …

All Aboard the Struggle Bus

I'm nearly six weeks into my fourth line of treatment - weekly infusions of Taxol, an IV chemo. My hair is long gone, and with it, my energy, and my ability to do almost anything most days other than sit on the couch and re-watch Queer Eye. (I'm not a TV person, at all, so …

The Absurdities of Cancer

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings." -excerpt from "The Walrus and the Carpenter" by Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass I have always loved Through the Looking Glass. I remember being …

I Get Knocked Down, but I Get Up Again

Waiting for scan results is one of the most emotionally draining things I seem to do on a regular basis. On September 18, 2018, I had my last stable scan. My next scan after that, December 11th, (thanks, iCal), seemed to be the start of what became a pretty significant avalanche. That scan showed progression …

On Sadness and Survivorship

Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. It's a day intended to celebrate those who have "battled" cancer, who have faced the beast and "won." Or rather, who have found themselves in a place of sufficient distance from their disease to find reason to celebrate. Now, don't get me wrong - I also find plenty of …