The Absurdities of Cancer

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings." -excerpt from "The Walrus and the Carpenter" by Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass I have always loved Through the Looking Glass. I remember being …

I Get Knocked Down, but I Get Up Again

Waiting for scan results is one of the most emotionally draining things I seem to do on a regular basis. On September 18, 2018, I had my last stable scan. My next scan after that, December 11th, (thanks, iCal), seemed to be the start of what became a pretty significant avalanche. That scan showed progression …

Playing The “What If” Game

As a child, I often tried to make sense of the greater world by trying to understand the relationship of that which was happening in my life in relationship with all of the myriad things that could happen. For years, I would travel down the rabbit hole of "what if," much to the frustration of …

The Intersection of Cancer and Life, Episode 11: Annmarie Otis

Episode 11 of the Intersection of Cancer and Life features Annmarie Otis, the founder of Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer. Annmarie was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer in 2012, and Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer is her fierce and unconventional initiative to promote awareness, early detection, and advocacy surrounding breast cancer, with a special focus on …

Waiting

In the car, on the way to my first oncology appointment, I had what, in hindsight, could only be seen as a mental dissociation. I spun out of control, unable to grasp my cancer diagnosis, completely convinced this was all an elaborate mistake. My brain was stuck in a cycle of deep denial, and I …

Scanxiety

I have my fourth scan today. My third since starting treatment. I’m finishing my ninth cycle of Ibrance. Life still feels tremendously incremental, as if I live from week to week. Each Wednesday afternoon when I refill my pill pack for the upcoming seven days, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was …

Cliff Jumping

No, not actual cliff jumping. But after my most recent PET scan, I couldn't help but feel like I was poised at the edge of a cliff. Truthfully, I've felt like that for a couple of months. I keep looking down and feeling more and more afraid of what is down there. Other than, you …

I’m Sick of Being Sick

I'm sick of cancer. I'm sick of thinking about it, sick of being so immersed in it 24/7, sick of worrying about it, worrying about how much it's affecting my family, I'm sick of thinking of how much it has changed the course of my life; I'm so tired of it all. Yesterday, I had …

It’s Been a Minute

Well, it's certainly been a minute since I've updated. Recently, I have struggled with what to share in this space. As I have said before, I generally update when I either have new information or am ready to share that information. In the last few weeks, it's been the latter. I mentioned that I had …

Every Fourth Monday

Most people's months start on the first. Mine run in four week cycles, starting on approximately the second Monday of each month. This is the day of my monthly appointment with Dr. G. Once I arrive at the Cancer Center, I do my bloodwork, then check the status of my prescriptions. Then I wait. I'm …